Day to day things are hard

 Wow, so just realized my last post was in January, and it's now March.

Despite all my hard work to keep things together and keep that smile pasted on my face, everyday things are hard, and making it through each of them is harder. 

Yes, I do have a lot to live for and to be grateful for, oh lord do I! but that doesn't lessen the struggle. 

I have a family, a loving partner, and a healthy, happy, growing baby girl. I am working on my own company so that I can work from home and be a "present parent" for her. But, when you have gone through years and years of negativity directed at you,  you still feel like it's not enough. You are not enough. 

I have just published my first book. And I have just completed a project for someone who paid me to write. I should be ecstatic, but I feel like an imposter. The work wasn't good enough; the book isn't good enough; I have failed my family. His voice echoes in my head, "You're pathetic. What makes you think you can do this? What makes you think that people aren't just saying nice things to get you to go away?" These are all real things. Though I try everything to silence them, they are still there. Quieter, yes, but there. 

My partner tells me daily that I am doing an amazing job, raising our daughter, keeping the house clean, food on the table, and the budget in place. Looking for clients, publishing a book, making a HUGE career change. He tells me that he loves me, how amazing I am as a person and a mother. He is genuine and sincere in what he tells me, and he tells me because it's true, and it's important for him to remind me of these things. Never has there been any hint that he feels like it is a burden to shower me with affection and reassurance. But the voice in my head tries to tell me that it's a lie. He does feel like it's a burden to remind the pathetic failure how much he loves me etc, etc. 

Every day I get up, tired after a restless night of worrying. I get up thinking, "what am I going to screw up today?" and yet, I don't. I don't screw up anything. I make it through successfully and I should feel triumphant. Maybe one day I will. One day I will accept it, but till then, each day I battle the voice and win.  

Echos of the past.

 The one thing I have come to realize is that the past will always haunt you. It doesn't matter how much therapy you go to, how much personal growth you have, or for some people, how much you drink or how high you get. The past will always be there. 

A great monkey once said "The past can hurt. But the way I see it, you can either run from it or learn from it"

The truth in this statement hurts on many levels. 

I have overcome so many things, but the one thing I have not been able to conquer is the voice in my head, his voice in my head. Though it may be quieter than before, the words are still there. 

"You are worthless", "No one will ever love you", "You can never be a good mother, your child will hate you and resent you from the moment it's born".  

The trick is to accept that this will always be there, the voice and the negative thoughts, but it's how you deal with it now and move on that determines your strength and how you choose to keep living. And keep living you will. 

Every day I look at my life and remind myself of what I have achieved, what I have to show that I am better than what he said. My baby, my partner, my home, and my job. The fact that I can get up every day and live my life to its fullest. One day, maybe I can find the mute button on his voice, but for right now, I make sure that my life is louder than him.  

#mentalhealth #surviour #silentkiller #victimtosurviour #lifegoeson #mentalhealthiseverything

The road ahead is not always bump free

 It's official, I am divorced. He is in another country and I have started to move on. 

To be fully open, this post is written a few years AFTER my last one. The divorce was finalized 4 years ago (yes, it has taken me this long to be able to fully open up) my Poly Partner and I have broken up, but, this was all on good terms and for a good reason. 

It wasn't long before I began to feel that while poly had been a good idea at the time, I wasn't really able to juggle multiple relationships. I had gotten out of a bad one, and I was still dealing with the aftermath of it. My poly partner and his wife were both understanding and supportive, but I personally began to feel that I was a burden to them. Was this echos of the past, very very probably. I didn't want to put any strain on them in any way. So, we parted on good terms. 

I took some time to find "me". But I was lonely, I wasn't used to being on my own. So I started dating again. I spoke to several people, but couldn't connect. All I could hear was his voice, constantly telling me I was worthless.  

Finally, I did meet someone, instantly he made me laugh and feel at peace. We started dating, taking things slowly, he had been in some "questionable" relationships himself, cheating partners, two-faced women, too high maintenance. He's so laid back and relaxed, life is too short to be a serious kinda guy, 

It did take me a while to open up about my past. I was honest and I had told him that I had been in a mentally abusive marriage. He never once pushed me about it, he was respectful and said that when I was ready, he would listen. What he did do (and still does to this day) and it still takes me by surprise, is he treats me with respect. We discuss everything when we are making decisions about things, he encourages me to do what I want to do, just like I encourage him. If I'm sick, he takes care of me. Things that I had not had before. He makes me laugh, feel secure, and like I can do anything. BUT. He also knows that I have issues. 

To this day, I still find myself apologizing for something, and it can be the smallest of things. for example, if I had made soup for dinner, and I tell him it's hot, he then goes and burns his mouth, I will spend a good five minutes or more just constantly apologizing, fetching water, cooling the soup, offering to make him something else. I know I don't have to, I know it was him just not listening (and he will tell me it was his fault) but I'm compelled to apologize. I can't stop it. He knows this, and he will hug me, laugh with me and tell me he loves me. There is no judgment, no laughing at me, no shouting for making him burn his mouth. There is reassurance and love. 

The biggest issue I had, was when we were trying for a baby. Here I am with this amazing man, someone who has helped me overcome so much over the years, and who wants to start a family with me. So what's wrong? Not fertility, we are both good on that front. Not the lack of trying. Yes, we both have stress in our lives (Working in a pandemic, for example, we are both essential workers) but it was something else. 

I was worthless.

I would be a horrible mother.

The baby would abort itself when it found out I was the mother.

It was his voice. Again. 

#mentalhealth #surviour #silentkiller #victimtosurviour #lifegoeson #mentalhealthiseverything