Day to day things are hard

 Wow, so just realized my last post was in January, and it's now March.

Despite all my hard work to keep things together and keep that smile pasted on my face, everyday things are hard, and making it through each of them is harder. 

Yes, I do have a lot to live for and to be grateful for, oh lord do I! but that doesn't lessen the struggle. 

I have a family, a loving partner, and a healthy, happy, growing baby girl. I am working on my own company so that I can work from home and be a "present parent" for her. But, when you have gone through years and years of negativity directed at you,  you still feel like it's not enough. You are not enough. 

I have just published my first book. And I have just completed a project for someone who paid me to write. I should be ecstatic, but I feel like an imposter. The work wasn't good enough; the book isn't good enough; I have failed my family. His voice echoes in my head, "You're pathetic. What makes you think you can do this? What makes you think that people aren't just saying nice things to get you to go away?" These are all real things. Though I try everything to silence them, they are still there. Quieter, yes, but there. 

My partner tells me daily that I am doing an amazing job, raising our daughter, keeping the house clean, food on the table, and the budget in place. Looking for clients, publishing a book, making a HUGE career change. He tells me that he loves me, how amazing I am as a person and a mother. He is genuine and sincere in what he tells me, and he tells me because it's true, and it's important for him to remind me of these things. Never has there been any hint that he feels like it is a burden to shower me with affection and reassurance. But the voice in my head tries to tell me that it's a lie. He does feel like it's a burden to remind the pathetic failure how much he loves me etc, etc. 

Every day I get up, tired after a restless night of worrying. I get up thinking, "what am I going to screw up today?" and yet, I don't. I don't screw up anything. I make it through successfully and I should feel triumphant. Maybe one day I will. One day I will accept it, but till then, each day I battle the voice and win.