Canada – The next chapter.
Since then, my sister has been to the house to get more of my things. He still had the cat and rabbit, and when he finally understood that this was it (I had told him I was speaking to lawyers (I was) and a therapist) he demanded that I came to get them as well as he would stop caring for them. I said it would take me a week to make arrangements, and he was not to be in the house when I did go. He was at work on the day I went to pick them up. The cat came home with me, but the rabbit went to our friends' house. I was trying to find a foster home for him as I couldn’t take him back to my parents' house. When he found out, I got more aggressive texts and emails. I ignored them too.
I got more of my stuff, as much as I could get in the car, and left. There are still a few more items in the house, and I will go back to get them soon. I am also still paying all the bills for the house, I had asked him to make a set payment for each paycheck of less than $900 – he informed me that he was in financial ruin. So I agreed he could pay less. I am paying $1100 a paycheck. We both get paid biweekly. He works in the town where we lived, I now have a 4 hour round trip drive to work. I can't afford gas or food. But I was financially ruining him. These payments will stop once I have a lawyer paid and behind me.
I am also having to file for bankruptcy. This is a new development seeing as he lost his job. He is blaming everyone else for that, the fact is, it was his doing. He committed time fraud for a staff member (without her knowledge) sexual harassment in and out the workplace (he was taking his frustration of me leaving out on his staff, in and out of work, the texts made me feel sick (I was told about some of them)) and refusing to meet the terms of his contract. He never attended meetings, always blamed his depression and anxiety, HR had tried to accommodate him, but missing the last three-day meeting I think was the final straw. But, he stated (openly on social media) that it was because he was stabbed in the back by a “friend”. He then went on this social media campaign of hatred for me and my friend. He has been blocked by several people now. However, since he has lost his job, we will default on the mortgage payments as I certainly cannot afford that as well as everything else. So I have to file.
Once I have filed for bankruptcy, then I can file for divorce.
Even though I still know in my heart that this is the right choice, the stress of having to deal with him makes me physically sick. Sleep eludes me and dreams haunt me. I go to do something, and his voice echo’s in my ears. I have stopped enjoying something’s because I can hear his voice telling me I’m worthless, ugly, repulsive and a waste of time. Although I no longer live with him, the abuse is so deeply ingrained that I have lost all self-confidence and self-worth. My happy face is painted on.
The only times I feel I can relax, and try to sort myself out, is with my boyfriend. He has never once let me down, and is standing by me, and is my rock. I cannot bring myself to tell him everything about how I feel. He is in school and has his own stress to deal with. We might not spend as much time together at the moment as we would both like, but I value the time we do get. Our weekends together are the only thing I can look forward to, as during the week I’m trying to deal with bankruptcy and divorce and living in fear of him contacting me.
There was one time, my boyfriend was talking to me about having kids. His wife needs to get pregnant first, but then his thoughts about after. His words washed over me as all I could hear in my head was “you will never have kids, why would anyone want them with you? You’re pathetic and a waste of time and space. You’re repulsive and no one in their right mind would want to be with you for that” He never said all of those words, but they were implied on so many occasions, and never denied it when confronted. I had to try and process so many emotions as my boyfriend was talking, joy and happiness that he had even thought about it, pain and distress with the words in my head. The sick feeling was rising in my stomach. I had to ask him to stop and change the subject before I burst into tears. I still haven’t been able to explain this to him. This is just one of the many situations where his abuse ruins me.
Thanks to everything he put me through; there is not a day that goes by, where I don’t hear the voice in my head. Sometimes it's quieter, sometimes it screams and screams. This is something that I will have to live with for the rest of my life. I hope that I can learn to lock it in a box and throw away the key, learn from mistakes and signals, and not allow this to happen again. It will be a long battle. All I know is that I am damaged. Mentally and emotionally I feel unstable. I am happy that I have left, and I know I will be strong enough to get through the divorce and everything else. I'm hoping that by this time next year when all is done, I can move on and work on myself a little more. I know I have the love and support of my boyfriend, and also my girlfriend (this is a very new relationship) and it does make things easier. I can enjoy myself a little, and when I’m with my boyfriend, I can sleep a little more. But the voices are still there.
The most important thing I have learned is to talk. Talk to someone about what’s happening. I spoke to a therapist through my employer as well as friends. Each friend knows something else. Not one person really knows the whole story. I find that it’s easier for me that way. But, also being a writer, this blog series is another way to get it out and try to deal with things.
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