Echos of the past.

 The one thing I have come to realize is that the past will always haunt you. It doesn't matter how much therapy you go to, how much personal growth you have, or for some people, how much you drink or how high you get. The past will always be there. 

A great monkey once said "The past can hurt. But the way I see it, you can either run from it or learn from it"

The truth in this statement hurts on many levels. 

I have overcome so many things, but the one thing I have not been able to conquer is the voice in my head, his voice in my head. Though it may be quieter than before, the words are still there. 

"You are worthless", "No one will ever love you", "You can never be a good mother, your child will hate you and resent you from the moment it's born".  

The trick is to accept that this will always be there, the voice and the negative thoughts, but it's how you deal with it now and move on that determines your strength and how you choose to keep living. And keep living you will. 

Every day I look at my life and remind myself of what I have achieved, what I have to show that I am better than what he said. My baby, my partner, my home, and my job. The fact that I can get up every day and live my life to its fullest. One day, maybe I can find the mute button on his voice, but for right now, I make sure that my life is louder than him.  

#mentalhealth #surviour #silentkiller #victimtosurviour #lifegoeson #mentalhealthiseverything

The road ahead is not always bump free

 It's official, I am divorced. He is in another country and I have started to move on. 

To be fully open, this post is written a few years AFTER my last one. The divorce was finalized 4 years ago (yes, it has taken me this long to be able to fully open up) my Poly Partner and I have broken up, but, this was all on good terms and for a good reason. 

It wasn't long before I began to feel that while poly had been a good idea at the time, I wasn't really able to juggle multiple relationships. I had gotten out of a bad one, and I was still dealing with the aftermath of it. My poly partner and his wife were both understanding and supportive, but I personally began to feel that I was a burden to them. Was this echos of the past, very very probably. I didn't want to put any strain on them in any way. So, we parted on good terms. 

I took some time to find "me". But I was lonely, I wasn't used to being on my own. So I started dating again. I spoke to several people, but couldn't connect. All I could hear was his voice, constantly telling me I was worthless.  

Finally, I did meet someone, instantly he made me laugh and feel at peace. We started dating, taking things slowly, he had been in some "questionable" relationships himself, cheating partners, two-faced women, too high maintenance. He's so laid back and relaxed, life is too short to be a serious kinda guy, 

It did take me a while to open up about my past. I was honest and I had told him that I had been in a mentally abusive marriage. He never once pushed me about it, he was respectful and said that when I was ready, he would listen. What he did do (and still does to this day) and it still takes me by surprise, is he treats me with respect. We discuss everything when we are making decisions about things, he encourages me to do what I want to do, just like I encourage him. If I'm sick, he takes care of me. Things that I had not had before. He makes me laugh, feel secure, and like I can do anything. BUT. He also knows that I have issues. 

To this day, I still find myself apologizing for something, and it can be the smallest of things. for example, if I had made soup for dinner, and I tell him it's hot, he then goes and burns his mouth, I will spend a good five minutes or more just constantly apologizing, fetching water, cooling the soup, offering to make him something else. I know I don't have to, I know it was him just not listening (and he will tell me it was his fault) but I'm compelled to apologize. I can't stop it. He knows this, and he will hug me, laugh with me and tell me he loves me. There is no judgment, no laughing at me, no shouting for making him burn his mouth. There is reassurance and love. 

The biggest issue I had, was when we were trying for a baby. Here I am with this amazing man, someone who has helped me overcome so much over the years, and who wants to start a family with me. So what's wrong? Not fertility, we are both good on that front. Not the lack of trying. Yes, we both have stress in our lives (Working in a pandemic, for example, we are both essential workers) but it was something else. 

I was worthless.

I would be a horrible mother.

The baby would abort itself when it found out I was the mother.

It was his voice. Again. 

#mentalhealth #surviour #silentkiller #victimtosurviour #lifegoeson #mentalhealthiseverything

The steps to recovery

 Canada – The next chapter. 

Since then, my sister has been to the house to get more of my things. He still had the cat and rabbit, and when he finally understood that this was it (I had told him I was speaking to lawyers (I was) and a therapist) he demanded that I came to get them as well as he would stop caring for them. I said it would take me a week to make arrangements, and he was not to be in the house when I did go. He was at work on the day I went to pick them up. The cat came home with me, but the rabbit went to our friends' house. I was trying to find a foster home for him as I couldn’t take him back to my parents' house. When he found out, I got more aggressive texts and emails. I ignored them too. 

I got more of my stuff, as much as I could get in the car, and left. There are still a few more items in the house, and I will go back to get them soon. I am also still paying all the bills for the house, I had asked him to make a set payment for each paycheck of less than $900 – he informed me that he was in financial ruin. So I agreed he could pay less. I am paying $1100 a paycheck. We both get paid biweekly. He works in the town where we lived, I now have a 4 hour round trip drive to work. I can't afford gas or food. But I was financially ruining him. These payments will stop once I have a lawyer paid and behind me.

I am also having to file for bankruptcy. This is a new development seeing as he lost his job. He is blaming everyone else for that, the fact is, it was his doing. He committed time fraud for a staff member (without her knowledge) sexual harassment in and out the workplace (he was taking his frustration of me leaving out on his staff, in and out of work, the texts made me feel sick (I was told about some of them)) and refusing to meet the terms of his contract. He never attended meetings, always blamed his depression and anxiety, HR had tried to accommodate him, but missing the last three-day meeting I think was the final straw. But, he stated (openly on social media) that it was because he was stabbed in the back by a “friend”. He then went on this social media campaign of hatred for me and my friend. He has been blocked by several people now. However, since he has lost his job, we will default on the mortgage payments as I certainly cannot afford that as well as everything else. So I have to file. 

Once I have filed for bankruptcy, then I can file for divorce. 

Even though I still know in my heart that this is the right choice, the stress of having to deal with him makes me physically sick. Sleep eludes me and dreams haunt me. I go to do something, and his voice echo’s in my ears. I have stopped enjoying something’s because I can hear his voice telling me I’m worthless, ugly, repulsive and a waste of time.  Although I no longer live with him, the abuse is so deeply ingrained that I have lost all self-confidence and self-worth. My happy face is painted on. 

The only times I feel I can relax, and try to sort myself out, is with my boyfriend. He has never once let me down, and is standing by me, and is my rock. I cannot bring myself to tell him everything about how I feel. He is in school and has his own stress to deal with. We might not spend as much time together at the moment as we would both like, but I value the time we do get. Our weekends together are the only thing I can look forward to, as during the week I’m trying to deal with bankruptcy and divorce and living in fear of him contacting me. 

There was one time, my boyfriend was talking to me about having kids. His wife needs to get pregnant first, but then his thoughts about after. His words washed over me as all I could hear in my head was “you will never have kids, why would anyone want them with you? You’re pathetic and a waste of time and space. You’re repulsive and no one in their right mind would want to be with you for that” He never said all of those words, but they were implied on so many occasions, and never denied it when confronted. I had to try and process so many emotions as my boyfriend was talking, joy and happiness that he had even thought about it, pain and distress with the words in my head. The sick feeling was rising in my stomach. I had to ask him to stop and change the subject before I burst into tears. I still haven’t been able to explain this to him. This is just one of the many situations where his abuse ruins me. 

Thanks to everything he put me through; there is not a day that goes by, where I don’t hear the voice in my head. Sometimes it's quieter, sometimes it screams and screams. This is something that I will have to live with for the rest of my life. I hope that I can learn to lock it in a box and throw away the key, learn from mistakes and signals, and not allow this to happen again. It will be a long battle. All I know is that I am damaged. Mentally and emotionally I feel unstable. I am happy that I have left, and I know I will be strong enough to get through the divorce and everything else. I'm hoping that by this time next year when all is done, I can move on and work on myself a little more. I know I have the love and support of my boyfriend, and also my girlfriend (this is a very new relationship) and it does make things easier. I can enjoy myself a little, and when I’m with my boyfriend, I can sleep a little more. But the voices are still there.

The most important thing I have learned is to talk. Talk to someone about what’s happening. I spoke to a therapist through my employer as well as friends. Each friend knows something else. Not one person really knows the whole story. I find that it’s easier for me that way. But, also being a writer, this blog series is another way to get it out and try to deal with things. 

#mentalhealth #surviour #silentkiller #victimtosurviour #lifegoeson #mentalhealthiseverything